I don’t get a lot of time for television, however one show I can’t help but watch is “Smash”, a show about a broadway musical based on Marilyn Monroe’s life. It’s as cheesy as it is dramatic but the perfect escape. One of the underlying themes of the show is the men in Marilyn’s life and the over all effect they had on her as a person and her unfortunate demise.
Marilyn Monroe is, these days, a beacon of womanhood and female independence. Out of contexts quotes of hers thrown around on Facebook and twitter inspiring women, perhaps about our bodies or men and relationships, all with the greatest intentions. Yet Marilyn, I believe, ultimately was a product of the men in her life. Her conflicting desires of being loved for more than a sex symbol and the hunger for fame in a mans world made her love life a struggle. She was so desperate to be loved and accepted by the men she was with, it made her vulnerable and leaving her open to the multiple heart breaks. The damage that was made to her soul ultimately became more then she could handle and the world lost one of the most beautiful women we had seen.
I’m not one to generalise and can only speak for myself, but I do believe that a lot of women are like that, day by day being moulded by the men the come in and out of our lives. I have certainly suffered my share of heart break, right back to my father who was physically but not emotionally present, going my whole life with him never telling me he loved me. When I was 19yrs old I was engaged to a man 10 years my senior, manipulative and cruel, taking advantage of me then deciding on the drop of a hat that he no longer loved me. One of the more recent, my last boyfriend, quite possibly a sociopath, anal about recycling and filling his birdbath, unable to give a single ounce of affection and cheated on every woman he was with, including me.
Now I know that I quite possibly may never have met my current partner, who is as close to a soul mate as I will get, with out these experiences. I am not one to live with regrets, however what these men have left me with is a deep seeded feeling of unworthiness. That I am not worth love, respect and effort, that even if my own father can’t love me, how could anyone else. That I’m not worth being faithful too, that I’m not pretty enough, skinny enough or smart enough.
I work very hard on a daily basis to fight these feelings, to silence the voices of ghosts past. Sometimes, not very often, my brain is just tired, worn down by daily stresses of life and I just can’t fight anymore. I get down, unmotivated feeling like my very existence is something to be sorry for. Which is then compounded by being frustrated at myself, “how can I be so sad when I am so fulfilled??”.
Now I’m not looking for sympathy or pity, I am very lucky, I have a great man and family. I am able to pull myself out of the funk now, and in time those voices telling me I’m not worth it will fade. I will keep fighting and telling myself the truth, I am worth love and respect and I deserve every effort anyone ever makes for me. Like Marilyn, the people that flow in and out of our lives can shape us, but only we can control our own future.
The Red Martini 