I have had a very transient life with lots of change, I travelled to and from England many times as a child to early teens with my family, I went to 13 different schools and countless different city’s . I never really laid my roots down anywhere for very long and learnt that friendships were disposable, making it easy to leave behind anyone every time we up and moved again. Unfortunately I struggled to really make connections as a young adult, never really maintaining friendships, not really knowing how. A lot of my friendships were by default because I was a part of a very insular, cult like church and you inevitably had friends from seeing each other so often. No real effort on my behalf was needed, I didn’t have friends out side of the church because it was frowned upon, so when I decided at 23 yrs old I no longer wanted to be in such a controlling, toxic and abusive environment and left, I was literally alone. Not a single friend. My family was busy doing their own things and I worked for a small dental business so my exposure to new people was extremely limited. I knew the true meaning of loneliness, It was quite possibly one of the darkest moments of my life.
It took 5 years to eventually begin to build relationships again, I left dental nursing and started a retail business with my mother, a little vintage store in a very popular shopping district. Aside from other shop assistants and owners I befriended, one of the first real friends I made was my brothers new girlfriend (now fiance) Charlee. I don’t know if she even knows it but she helped me learn to connect and trust, she kept my secrets and helped me through some hard times. Through her friendship I was able to learn how to be a friend, to make an effort and not be lazy or give up when it got hard.
Tonight, 4 years after meeting Charlee, I have had to say good-bye to 2 friendships which I no longer do so easily. In fact I struggle to let people go anymore and tend to hold on to relationships way past their use by date. One was actually a close friend that I spoke to on a daily basis, but I was hurt and felt that their actions had the potential to effect my partner and our relationship. Yet they said “I’m sorry”, but does that change what has happened? Does “I’m sorry” fix what has happened and am I meant to ignore the nagging fear that if I accept the apology and move on, that it quite possibly will happen again. Of all the things in my life, my child and my partner I cherish more than anything, and I worry that if I didn’t let the friend go I would be playing russian roulette with my relationship.
When is “I’m sorry” just not enough?
The Red Martini 